it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
