he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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