it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
