hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
