Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I came so hard my ears popped.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize