I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So much Jack, so little girl.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
