I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
