my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
