My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
