There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
