I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
