Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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