I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
