my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
