i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
