I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
