i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I AM VODKA MAN
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
