You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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