WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
