Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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