I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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