i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
