just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
