is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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