Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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