he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
bring money and cleavage
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize