I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
