I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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