I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
