I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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