Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
