i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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