Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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