I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
