thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
