so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
