I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
