she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
