my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
