woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
