Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
foreskin is a definite game changer
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
