I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
