frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
