She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
