don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
