he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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