Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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