I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
