I accidentally burped into my bong.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
