He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i think i just lost a toe
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
