so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
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