it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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