I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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