thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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