Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
