She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How does it feel to date your dad?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
