Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
