70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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