those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
