Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
