True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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