Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
